Cold waves in my life

After coming this far, I sometimes wonder what I was working for all the while. I used to have all my plans in my head but I don't know if I am working my way to it because until now I don't exactly feel happy. At this very day, I somehow lost all my motivation and the direction of where I want to be tomorrow. I have no one, no where and how else in particular to explain my feeling at the moment. Writing this here in my blog now will not exactly make me feel much better but in the future I have to remember this day that I was this lost, so lost that I decided to write this. And to my future self, if you are in a much better situation at that time, do not forget that you were once lost. And to whoever who led me out of this pool of mud, remember to say thanks to him/her and thank God for bringing this person to me. That's it, I hope I will be able to get out from just reading facebook, twitter, blogs and forums everyday, a mechanism that I developed to run away from reality.

Closed

Need to talk

It wasn't the 1st time i felt this way, that i couldn't speak at all... I don't know if i was shy, afraid? or no confidence to speak out. But anyhow, i feel sorry for myself in the end of the day.

What i did realize is that my brain wasn't processing conversations and reply in return at the speed as it is suppose to be, and somehow, my thought's were always a second late when the topic was already over. No idea why is it like that, but hey, that's the way it is...

Lol, it is funny that i get tensed up when i want to talk, and then the words that came out were all jumbled up together. I need to take it easy. Really need to.

and where are those words when i need them, it just disrupts the conversation while i was thinking for those specific words. Don't know if i am just having a bad memory, of is it because i was always lazy to think, that now it has become a habit.

phew.....sorry, i need to vent it out somehow. It really pains all the way up to the chest.

Most people say, virtual space is where people speak out their emotion, and here i am, doing it. But i never liked it, because its so fake, and loses the human touch. Anyway, it is better than nothing at all.

I hope i wont, or not even thinking about posting this ever again.

to Do or Not to Do

I took a ride on the bike that evening and I was thinking, before i left the door, maybe just a few minutes ride to get some air. And so i thought.

After a short distance from my house, I saw someone. Someone that i am not close to at all, not that i am fond with either. I could, in fact cycle a little faster, or turn to a particular junction, and what ever happens after that, wouldn't be my business at all.

I didn't.

Hey, Exercising?
Nah, not at all. Just to get away from boredom. And, you?
I am joining a run, so i am just working out. Need to get ready, its going to be a 7 km run.
Oh wow, that's great.

Maybe i should say good bye. You make your run, i take my bicycle ride.

I didn't.

How about you run, and I'll cycle.
Yeah sure.
You sure? I'm on the bike.
You'll see.

We talked almost about anything. I don't know what we have in common, but i just keep bringing up topics. But there will always be an awkward silence between the conversations. And i was thinking, again, that i should take a turn and just "see ya".

I didn't.

There are so many junctions, so many times I've been thinking and wanted to do the same thing. But,

I didn't.

How many decisions have i made? In my life, how many decisions have i made?
What if i take that one certain turn, something else might happened right?
But i am going to lose all that talks that we are going to make after that.
Can i just trial and error? With my life? Just go forward, and reverse; save and delete.
If this could really happen, i would have tried so many things, without even need to care about the consequences. I could be a painter instead, a pianist or even a punk.
Will this do me good?
Everything i do, wouldn't have a meaning and i wouldn't do the best out of all the things i try to do. The things i do wouldn't have any effect on other people. It would just be like video game.
Just, Trial & Error.

The water in the veins of the leaf
flowing through the thousands of
small little branches
each with different destiny and
at each of the junction
they need to decide
to go or not to go
they do have many choices
but there is no turning back.

In the end, i choose to cycle with him until he reaches his house and he said,
I don' t know why, but i don't feel tired at all.
He already ran for 2 rounds around the housing area and that's like, 6 km.
Somehow i am happy that he says that. Looks like I've made a good choice, making myself a little bit happier.

Later, he asks if i want to cycle one more round again. I was thinking, maybe i should, we could talk more. This time,

I didn't

Again.
I am just tired, i want to go home, sit down and watch tv. HAHA.

Ang Pau

Ah.. in another less than 40 hours will be the time where my friends and i are going to experience the most climax moment in our teen life. Hereby, before the Ups and Downs, i shall present you a story, a short one. Yet i hope it wouldnt be another boring one.

Sang, a girl of age 15 is talking with her friends about the chinese new year that just passed.

Li: " How's your CNY? Mine wasnt really good, i thought that this time i'll buy a doll with my ang pau money but i just got 10 each from my parents. My parents never visits their families so.. aaa..aa..such dissapointment..."

Sang: "You should be happy that you at least have them"

Sang had never had any ang pau's from her father before ever since her mother's death in a plane crash when she was 4. Her father had been a drunkard ever since, like he is the one to be blamed on her mother's death.

Sang used to have beatiful ang pau's her mother made, and she always like the pattern and the drawing, even thought the money inside is just a few penny, yet its her mother's love that matters to her. After her mother's death, she'd been sad, still she hopes that her father will replace her mother and make those beautiful ang pau's. She even nags for it but it always ended up red hot on her small face.

"Pa! i want ang pau's!! Why dont you make one like mommy did?"

"Your mommy is not here anymre, dont ask me to do what she does OK? I am tired enough working to earn a life for you!! Be grateful enough!"

"You've been drinking all the while, i don even see you work.....All i want is just one ang pau for the Chinese New Year, issit that hard?"

"You stupid little girl, what you know about work huh? Do you think it is easy even to find a job? If you want ang pau then go to your mommy's grave and dig one out! You ungrateful little bastard!"

"I hope the one dead in the plane crash is you and not mommy!"

*PAK! PAK!*
I was 9 that time. Althought he slapped me but he cried when he do so..and i can see he wanted to be the one dead through his eyes. And it is the last time I ever asked for ang pau from my father.

It's almost night and Sang is walking to her shabby house at the end of the muddy path, a drunk father waiting inside.

I never wanted to go home, but i just feel guilty if i did not.
"Pa, I am back."

"What take you so long huh? I am so hungry already!"

Useless father, dont you know how to cook? I shouldnt had come back, why do i feel guilty at the 1st place?
"If you are hungry that cook it urself!!"

"How could you talk to your father like that? Now COOK!!"

How about you? I cant even have ONE ang pau EVERY year..
"I should have let you starve and then you might cook yourself"

*PAK*
"You didnt even give me ang pau's every year.. am i still a daughter to you? Or just a neccessity? I better off dead than having a father like you"
The next instant, the door is shut behind me.

The next hour, while Sang is walking around the shops.
*SCREEEEEEEECH...BANG!*
A body flying across the road and smashed against the pavement

The one's dead is not her but her father.

I've always had glimpse of such situation whenever i got angry with my father. But now looking at my own father's bloody corpse, i hate myself for even thinking of it.
"Paaaa!! Paa! Pa..Please dont leave me alone..... Are you OK? Oh.... please dont speak...You will be ok i am sure.....Please dont take your last breath right now...."

"Haaa....My stupid little girl...i think i got what you want..."
He took an envelope soaked with his own blood, and hand it over to his little stupid girl.

"Hahahah, i hope this can match your mother's ang pau with those beautiful patterns...ahuk....i m stupid...how can it match those ang pau's hahaha..ahuk...ahuk.AhuK"

"Pa, i dont want this ang pau... i want a better one....You need to make me a better one!!"

"Hahaha, dig one from my grave then....i wont bring too much trouble on you now, ah...there are rice cooked at home...faster go ea...."

...................

I've been waiting for this rice for more than 5 years...i thought it might be sweet but it tasted salty, and a bit of bitter...

Under the dark blue sky, a morning sun

I just finish reading chapter 3: Memorable Days, and tomorow is a begining of my next chapter, chapter 4: Your Tommorow. i do not know what is the content of this chapter, but it is yet to be read by myself, and only myself. Even so, when reading it, i still always hope that the next few sentences that's going to be read is ever so interesting and memorable. But who noe's what the writer wants what kind impact he wants to leave to the reader, me.

2007!! i m here!

2006 ENDS HERE!!
gah now i m one year older, so happy but sad, sad but happy.
wateva it is .. school life ends there..
wat waiting me is new challenge and new life
so, I M ON THE GO!